The Mental Load of Motherhood: What It Is and How to Cope
Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Moms do more than just take care of kids—they manage the house, make big decisions, and worry about everyone’s feelings. This is called the mental load. It’s the long list of things a mom thinks about, plans, and manages every day. And often, it’s hidden from view.
Let’s break it down in a way that’s easy to understand and helps you feel seen. If you’re a mother feeling tired, overwhelmed, or angry, you’re not alone. There’s nothing wrong with you—you’re just carrying a lot.
What Is the Mental Load?
The mental load means thinking about things like:
- What’s for dinner?
- When is the next doctor’s appointment?
- Did the kids brush their teeth?
- Who needs to be picked up from soccer?
- Is there enough clean laundry for tomorrow?
These thoughts never stop. They stay in your mind even when you’re trying to sleep or take a break. This constant thinking leads to fatigue, stress, and even sleep deprivation.
The Invisible Labor of Motherhood
You might hear people talk about “invisible labor.” This means all the work that gets done behind the scenes—things people don’t see, like:
- Planning meals
- Organizing birthday parties
- Writing thank-you notes
- Managing kids’ homework schedules
- Keeping track of appointments
Even if a father or partner helps with chores, the mother often still has to ask or remind them. That extra thinking and planning adds more to the mental load.
Why Moms Feel So Tired
It’s not just about being busy. It’s about never turning off your brain. That’s why many moms feel:
- Burned out
- Forgetful
- Short-tempered
- Sad or angry
This isn’t laziness. It’s decision fatigue—the brain gets tired from making so many choices all day. From what clothes the infant wears to how to discipline the older kid, it’s all on mom’s plate.
How Gender Roles Affect Mental Load
Even in today’s world, gender roles still play a big part. Many societies expect moms to handle most of the homemaking, child care, and emotional support. This goes back a long time and is often passed down through families and media.
Think about the word “caregiver.” We often picture a mom, not a dad. That image comes from old ideas that still affect how we live today.
What Research Says
Research from places like the University of Melbourne shows that mothers do more unpaid work at home than fathers. Moms also face more pressure to be perfect. They feel shame when things don’t go right. These feelings can lead to postpartum depression and long-term emotional struggles.
Writer Gemma Hartley, who talks about this in her book and podcast, explains how the mental load is not just about chores—it’s about emotional labor. Moms hold the feelings of the whole family.
Life After Pregnancy: The Load Grows
After pregnancy, the mental load doesn’t go away. It gets bigger. You now have a tiny human who depends on you for everything. You may feel joy—but also grief for your old life. You may feel anger at how much your life has changed.
All of this is normal. Hormones after birth also affect mood and energy. You’re not weak—you’re human.
The Juggle Is Real
You might be juggling:
- Cooking meals
- Managing laundry
- Driving kids to activities
- Going back to work after parental leave
- Trying to keep a marriage strong
- Listening to a friend’s podcast while folding clothes
- Reading a newsletter on parenting tips
That’s a lot for one brain.
The Role of Sleep, Hormones, and Health
Lack of sleep makes the mental load even heavier. Sleep deprivation can make small problems feel huge. Plus, hormone changes after birth or during monthly cycles affect behavior and feelings.
Your health matters. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Is Therapy the Answer?
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, therapy can help. Talking to someone lets you share the weight. Therapists can teach you how to manage stress, find coping tools, and understand your feelings.
Therapy also helps if you feel like you’re always “on” or if you struggle with shame, anger, or sadness.
The Myth of the Supermom
There’s a myth in society that moms should do it all—and smile while doing it. That’s not real. No one can do it all alone. If you feel like you’re failing, the truth is that the system is failing you.
Policy and Support: What Needs to Change
Some countries, like Australia, are talking about mental load more. Universities like the University of Melbourne are doing studies. But we need more:
- Better parental leave
- Child care that’s affordable
- Policies that support families
- Workplaces that respect caregivers
Until these change, moms will keep carrying too much.
Tips to Lighten the Mental Load
1. Share the Load
Talk to your partner or co-parent. Make a list of tasks. Divide them fairly—not just the doing, but the thinking part too.
2. Ask for Help
You don’t have to do it alone. Ask family, friends, or even hire help if you can.
3. Create Mental Space
Take time for yourself. Even 10 minutes to breathe or walk outside can help your mind rest.
4. Use Tools
Try apps, planners, or sticky notes to keep track of tasks so they don’t live in your brain.
5. Say No
You don’t have to say yes to every birthday party or bake sale. Protect your time and energy.
Real Talk: Alcohol, Shame, and Coping
Some moms turn to alcohol to relax or escape. But that can lead to other problems. If you find yourself depending on it, it might be time to seek help.
Feeling shame for needing a break or not having it all together? That shame is part of the load. Let it go. You’re doing your best.
Final Thoughts
The mental load of motherhood is real. It’s made of decisions, emotions, tasks, and worries that never stop. You’re not imagining it. You’re not weak. You’re just carrying too much. It’s time we all start talking about it—and sharing the weight.
FAQs About Mental Load and Motherhood
1. What is the mental load in motherhood?
It’s the constant planning, organizing, and worrying that moms do for their family. It includes chores, emotions, and unseen tasks.
2. How does mental load affect health?
It can lead to stress, fatigue, sleep deprivation, and even postpartum depression. It also causes decision fatigue and emotional overload.
3. Can dads or partners carry the mental load too?
Yes! But often, moms still do more of the thinking and planning. Sharing both tasks and emotional labor is key to balance.
4. How can I manage the mental load better?
Use tools, ask for help, talk with your partner, and consider therapy. Also, say no to things that drain your energy.
5. Why don’t people talk about this more?
Because it’s often invisible. Society still believes in myths like the “supermom,” but moms everywhere are starting to speak up—through books, blogs, and podcasts. Contact us today or visit SAMHSA for more information.
